Why the Holidays Might Be the Hardest Part About Going No Contact
I was in a salon around Thanksgiving when everyone around me seemed to be talking about holiday plans with family. I unexpectedly started to cry.
"My mom likes to make her famous cinnamon rolls, so we always do that Christmas morning." "My sister is coming into town and we like to bake together." "My dad is really into the holidays—he makes it really special for the kids."
These seemingly innocent snippets of holiday planning made me tear up right there in the nail salon. It's a particular kind of grief—like FOMO, but heavier. A mourning for something you never really had in the first place.
The thing is, I know why I went no contact. I know it wasn't a decision I made lightly. I know that holidays with my family of origin were messy, toxic, stressful, and often drunken. I know they left me feeling empty instead of filled with love and appreciation. I know all of this. And still, hearing strangers talk about their normal family traditions can feel like a punch to the gut.
If you're navigating no contact during the holidays, I see you. This is hard.
“You’re not missing out on a happy family. You’re protecting yourself from one that wasn’t.”
Remember Why You Made This Choice
When the holiday nostalgia hits, our brains have a sneaky way of romanticizing the past. We remember the possibility of what those gatherings could have been rather than what they actually were. Before you spiral into guilt or second-guess your decision, take a moment to ground yourself in reality.
Write down the specific reasons you chose no contact. Not vague feelings, but concrete examples. The comment that made you cry in the bathroom. The argument that ruined dinner. The way you felt driving home. These aren't grudges—they're data points that led you to protect yourself.
You didn't go no contact because you're dramatic or unforgiving. You did it because you recognized that some relationships cause more harm than healing. You did it out of simple self-presevation.
Set Boundaries—Even from a Distance
No contact doesn't mean the pressure disappears. Well-meaning relatives might reach out, asking why you're not coming this year. Social media might serve up memories you'd rather not see. Your own mind might wage a campaign of guilt.
Decide in advance how you'll handle these moments. Will you mute certain people online? Have a prepared response for questions? Give yourself permission to leave events early if extended family starts probing? Boundaries aren't just for people in the room—they're for protecting your peace from all directions.
Create New Traditions
Here's the beautiful thing about being an adult: you get to decide what your holidays look like. Those old traditions that served someone else's vision? You can release them. In their place, you can build something that actually fits your life.
Start small. Maybe it's a specific meal you make every year. A movie you watch. A place you visit. A donation you make to a cause that matters to you. New traditions don't need to be elaborate—they just need to be yours.
Lean Into Chosen Family
The people who show up for you—not out of obligation but out of genuine love—are your real family. Maybe that's a partner, friends, supportive in-laws, a recovery community, or the family you've created yourself.
Now that I have (many) kids of my own in a modern, combined family, my favorite thing is seeing all of them together. Holidays with them fill me with love—the kind I spent years searching for. I love finding the perfect gifts for each of them.
I love how my husband pretends to be a grump about the holidays but secretly enjoys watching me wrap presents with surgical precision and looks forward every year to his mom's mince pies.
This is what holidays can be. Not a performance of dysfunction, but a genuine celebration with people who choose you back.
Give Yourself Grace
You might cry at a nail salon. You might feel a wave of grief hit you in the grocery store when you pass the stuffing mix your mom used to make. You might have a perfectly good day and then feel inexplicably sad at 9 PM.
All of this is normal. Estrangement doesn't come with an off switch for feelings. You're not weak for missing something—even something that hurt you. The heart is complicated like that.
But here's what I want you to remember: choosing no contact is choosing yourself. It's deciding that your peace matters more than keeping up appearances. It's acknowledging that you deserve holidays that leave you feeling whole, not hollowed out.
You're not missing out on a happy family. You're protecting yourself from one that wasn't.
And that, even when it hurts, is an act of profound self-love.
If you're struggling with family estrangement this holiday season, you're not alone. Have a look at our Holiday Wellness Worksheet if you need something concrete to complete and refer back to,
Consider working with a therapist who specializes in family dynamics, or reach out to a support group for those navigating similar journeys. Your peace is worth protecting.
References
Chapman, F. S. (2023, November 20). 15 ways to cope with the holidays after family estrangement. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202311/15-ways-to-cope-with-the-holidays-after-family-estrangement
Fine, R. (2024, December 8). Surviving the holidays: Resisting the urge to reconnect after going no contact. Randi Fine. https://www.randifine.com/post/surviving-the-holidays-resisting-the-urge-to-reconnect
Positive Motion Counseling & Therapy. (n.d.). Making the best of the holidays after going no contact with family. https://www.positivemotioncounseling.com/milwaukee-therapy-blog/making-the-best-of-the-holidays-after-going-no-contact-with-family
Stang, H. (n.d.). Cope with family estrangement during the holidays: Mindful tips for emotional well-being. Heather Stang. https://heatherstang.com/family-estrangement-during-the-holiday
