By Amanda Scott-Telford, IPHM Certified, Trauma-Informed, Mental Wellness & Recovery Coach
For the People Who Love Them · Part 3 of 4
You’ve probably heard the word “enabling” before now. Maybe someone said it to you, maybe you read it on a forum, maybe it’s that voice in your head at midnight. It’s a very loaded word, and it’s usually used as an insult. Let’s look at enabling, and the shame that comes with it, in a different way.
Enabling isn’t a character flaw. It’s love without a map.
When you cover someone’s debt, call in sick for them, or make things look better for them after a lapse, you are trying to protect someone you love from pain. But in doing so you are also removing the consequences of their actions, which are the very things that could help them change (Smith & Meyers, 2004). This is why approaches that help family members to stop rescuing and instead to reinforce the healthy behavior of the individual with addiction have been shown to help that individual seek treatment (Miller, Meyers, & Tonigan, 1999).
Helping and enabling are very different. Helping is supporting someone’s attempts to recover. Enabling is protecting someone from the consequences of their actions.
A boundary is for you, not against them
Many people get confused about boundaries. A boundary is not a punishment. It is not something you use to get someone to do something. A boundary is a line that you keep in place for yourself, whether or not the other person ever changes.
This is the distinction that helps us understand the difference between enabling and helping someone with addiction. While enabling is focused on the other person, helping focuses on you. This is an important distinction because, while enabling can keep the person with addiction stuck in their behavior, helping can actually support their recovery.
What this looks like in real life
These are smaller than you think. They are things that can be done while continuing to support the individual with addiction. For example, stopping giving money while continuing to buy groceries; stopping use of drugs or alcohol in the home; allowing individual to be responsible for missing work; leaving a situation when it becomes unhealthy.
These boundaries will not fix the other person. They are put in place to help the individual with addiction to find help and to ensure that your own life does not have to be put on hold while the person you love is finding their way to recovery.
A boundary is for you, not against them. If you set a boundary and the other person changes, that is a bonus. But the reason you set the boundary is for yourself.
About the guilt
You can feel guilt while still holding the boundary. Guilt lies to us, telling us that we are abandoning our loved one, that we are not being loving enough, that we are not being a good person. We can feel all of these things and still hold the boundary. We can be tender and kind with our loved one while still holding a firm line with them.
You can hold a line in the moment without making a big production out of it. “I can’t do that, but I love you” is enough. You can be short with them and walk away.
One important line
There is a huge difference between a difficult relationship and an abusive relationship. If you feel unsafe in any way, then a boundary is not what you need. You need a safety plan. There are people out there who can help you with this. In the U.S. you can reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline any time, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Where you go from here
It is more than anyone else in your life can understand. This series is going to look at you, and at how you can live your life while the person you love is getting help for their addiction.
You can use the free workbook to identify your boundaries and reasons for each.
References
Miller, W. R., Meyers, R. J., & Tonigan, J. S. (1999). Engaging the unmotivated in treatment for alcohol problems: A comparison of three strategies for intervention through family members. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 67(5), 688–697.
Smith, J. E., & Meyers, R. J. (2004). Motivating substance abusers to enter treatment: Working with family members. Guilford Press.
