The 4 Rs: A Framework for Self-Forgiveness
Self-forgiveness can feel overwhelming in early recovery. How do you forgive yourself for things that caused real harm? In my work facilitating recovery groups, I teach a framework called the 4 Rs (Luskin & Harris, 2025). It provides a clear path forward when you're drowning in shame.
The Framework
1. Responsibility: Own Your Part
Take ownership of your actions without excuses. Not everything was your fault—trauma happened to you, circumstances were beyond your control. But your response to those things? That's yours to own.
I can't change that I drove drunk with my kids in the car. But I can take responsibility for my choices and commit to different ones going forward.
2. Remorse: Feel It, Then Move Through It
Allow yourself to feel appropriate regret—but not endless rumination. That's just another form of self-punishment. Feel genuine sorrow for the pain you caused, then consciously choose to move to the next step.
I let myself cry about what I put my family through. I sat with the grief of the years I lost. And then I chose to move through it rather than get stuck in it.
Research shows that while guilt can motivate positive change, shame is associated with continued problematic behavior (Tangney et al., 2005). The key is timing: feel the remorse, acknowledge it, then move forward.
3. Restoration: Make Repairs Where Possible
Make emotional restitution where possible. Apologize sincerely. Rebuild trust through consistent action. Where direct repair isn't possible or safe, pay it forward.
I couldn't take back what I'd done, but I could show up differently. I could be present with my kids. I could use my experience to help others who are struggling.
When direct contact would cause more harm, practice indirect restoration—volunteer, help others facing similar struggles, become the person you wish you had been.
4. Renewal: Commit to Living Differently
This is where the real work happens—not just staying sober, but building a life that reflects your values. For me, renewal meant learning to feel my feelings instead of numbing them. It meant setting boundaries I'd never had.
Renewal is ongoing. Every day, I choose again. I choose to respond to stress with healthy coping instead of reaching for a bottle.
Common Challenges with the 4 Rs
"I keep getting stuck in the remorse phase."
Set a time limit. Give yourself permission to feel remorse fully for a specific period (a day, a week), then consciously move to restoration. Endless remorse is just self-punishment in disguise.
"The person I hurt won't accept my apology."
That's their right. You can only control your own actions. Make your sincere apology, demonstrate changed behavior, and practice indirect restoration through paying it forward.
"I don't know how to make repairs for what I did."
Start small. What's one concrete action you can take today that aligns with the person you want to be? That's restoration. It doesn't have to be grand or dramatic.
"I keep making new mistakes."
That's part of being human. The 4 Rs aren't a one-time process—they're a practice you return to again and again. Each time you work through them, you strengthen your ability to forgive yourself and choose differently
Moving Forward
The 4 Rs aren't about achieving perfect forgiveness. They're about having a clear, actionable path forward when you're overwhelmed by shame and regret.
You don't have to work through all four Rs in one day or even one month. This is a process, not a destination. Each time you work through them, you strengthen your ability to forgive yourself and choose differently.
Taking responsibility doesn't mean you're a bad person. Research emphasizes that genuine forgiveness requires both accepting responsibility and extending compassion to oneself (Hall & Fincham, 2005). That's worthy of respect.
Ready to take the next step? Download our Self-Forgiveness Worksheet to work through the 4 Rs with a specific situation you're struggling to forgive yourself for. Remember, this work takes time—be patient with yourself in the process.
References
Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14526-000
Hall, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (2005). Self-forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621-637. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2005.24.5.621
Luskin, F., & Harris, L. (2025, March 26). Twelve steps to self-forgiveness. Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/twelve_steps_to_self_forgiveness
Tangney, J. P., Boone, A. L., & Dearing, R. (2005). Forgiving the self: Conceptual issues and empirical findings. In E. L. Worthington Jr. (Ed.), Handbook of forgiveness (pp. 143-158). Routledge.
