You Weren't Conscious. Understanding Behavior and Awareness in Recovery
When I look back at the person I was when I was drinking, I barely recognize her. For a time, I carried crushing shame about who that person was. I wondered if I was fundamentally bad.
But studying the way our trauma-damaged brains work changed everything: I wasn't acting from consciousness. I was acting from pain, programming, and survival patterns I didn't even know I had.
This isn't an excuse. It's an explanation. And understanding the difference is crucial for self-forgiveness.
What Consciousness Means
Consciousness simply means awareness—the ability to see your patterns, understand your motivations, and act from your authentic self rather than from pain (Follow Your Own Rhythm, 2018).
When you're conscious, you can pause before reacting, see multiple options, and connect to your values. When you're unconscious, you're on autopilot—reacting from old patterns, acting from unprocessed pain, following programming you've never questioned.
As we begin to heal, we start "waking up." We're becoming conscious of patterns that were previously invisible to us.
The Programming That Shaped Your Actions
None of us arrived at our drug/behavior of choice by accident. We got there through past trauma, unhealed pain, and programming from family and society. Research shows that early attachment patterns significantly shape our adult coping mechanisms (van der Kolk, 2014).
At five, I was taking care of my mother emotionally. At seven, I was molested. At eight, I learned to dissociate—to disappear inside my own head. It was the only way to survive.
Alcohol was just another tool for doing what I'd been doing my whole life, numbing and running. Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences shows that childhood trauma significantly increases substance use in adulthood (Felitti et al., 1998). This isn't about moral failing—it's about survival strategies.
You Were Surviving, Not Choosing
We weren't making conscious choices. We were using coping mechanisms developed to survive. As Gabor Maté (2010) explains, substance use is fundamentally about pain and attempts to escape it.
We didn't fail at being good people. We were unconscious. And we can't choose differently when we can't see and don’t know the options.
What Changes With Consciousness
As we become more conscious in recovery, we start to see our triggers, recognize your patterns, and understand our motivations. When we were unconscious, using felt like the only choice. Now we begin to see multiple ways to respond.
Early on, I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt anything real. That awareness was the beginning of consciousness. For the first time, I could see the pattern.
Compassion for Your Unconscious Self
The woman I was before was doing the best she could with the level of consciousness she had. She didn't know how to “feel her feelings” or ask for help. She only knew how to survive.
That doesn't make what I did okay. But it makes it understandable. Understanding creates compassion. And compassion makes forgiveness possible.
I can have compassion for that woman. She was drowning. I'm not her anymore—not because I'm fundamentally different, but because I'm awake now.
Now We Can Choose Differently
Every day, we get to choose again. We can choose awareness over unconsciousness. We can choose healing over numbing. We can choose growth over staying stuck.
The person who was using wasn't the real you. The real you is emerging now. That person deserves forgiveness and compassion.
You weren't conscious then. But you are now. And that changes everything.
Want to find out more about who you are now? Start with exploring your Core Values, then download the Core Values Worksheet.
References
Blueprint.ai. (2025, May 21). Self-forgiveness in therapy: A clinical approach. Blueprint.ai Blog. https://www.blueprint.ai/blog/self-forgiveness-in-therapy-a-clinical-approach
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8
Follow Your Own Rhythm. (2018, December 17). How to forgive yourself - A step-by-step guide to self-forgiveness. Follow Your Own Rhythm Blog. https://www.followyourownrhythm.com/blog-1/2018/12/17/how-to-forgive-yourself-a-step-by-step-guide-to-self-forgiveness
Maté, G. (2010). In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction. North Atlantic Books.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
