You Weren't Conscious. Understanding Behavior and Awareness in Recovery

When I look back at the person I was when I was drinking, I barely recognize her. For years, I carried crushing shame about who that person was. I believed I was fundamentally bad.

But here's what changed everything: I wasn't acting from consciousness. I was acting from pain, programming, and survival patterns I didn't even know I had.

This isn't an excuse. It's an explanation. And understanding the difference is crucial for self-forgiveness.

What Consciousness Means

Consciousness simply means awareness—the ability to see your patterns, understand your motivations, and act from your authentic self rather than from pain (Follow Your Own Rhythm, 2018).

When you're conscious, you can pause before reacting, see multiple options, and connect to your values. When you're unconscious, you're on autopilot—reacting from old patterns, acting from unprocessed pain, following programming you've never questioned.

In recovery, we talk about "waking up." You're becoming conscious of patterns that were previously invisible to you.

The Programming That Shaped Your Actions

None of us arrived at our drug of choice by accident. We got there through past trauma, unhealed pain, and programming from family and society. Research shows that early attachment patterns significantly shape our adult coping mechanisms (van der Kolk, 2014).

At five, I was taking care of my mother emotionally. At seven, I was molested. At eight, I learned to dissociate—to disappear inside my own head. It was the only way to survive.

Alcohol was just another tool for doing what I'd been doing my whole life. Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences shows that childhood trauma significantly increases substance use in adulthood (Felitti et al., 1998). This isn't about moral failing—it's about survival strategies.

You Were Surviving, Not Choosing

When you were using your drug of choice, you weren't making conscious choices. You were using coping mechanisms developed to survive. As Gabor Maté (2010) explains, substance use is fundamentally about pain and attempts to escape it.

You didn't fail at being a good person. You were unconscious. And you can't choose differently when you can't see the options.

What Changes With Consciousness

As you become more conscious in recovery, you start to see your triggers, recognize your patterns, and understand your motivations. When you were unconscious, using felt like the only choice. Now you can see multiple ways to respond.

Sitting in treatment, three days sober, I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt anything without alcohol. That awareness was the beginning of consciousness. For the first time, I could see the pattern.

Compassion for Your Unconscious Self

The woman who drove drunk was doing the best she could with the consciousness she had. She didn't know how to feel her feelings or ask for help. She only knew how to survive.

That doesn't make what she did okay. But it makes it understandable. Understanding creates compassion. And compassion makes forgiveness possible.

I can have compassion for that woman. She was drowning. I'm not her anymore—not because I'm fundamentally different, but because I'm awake now.

Now You Can Choose Differently

Every day, you get to choose again. You can choose awareness over unconsciousness. You can choose healing over numbing. You can choose growth over staying stuck.

The person who was using wasn't the real you. The real you is emerging now. That person deserves forgiveness and compassion.

You weren't conscious then. But you are now. And that changes everything.

---

References

Blueprint.ai. (2025, May 21). Self-forgiveness in therapy: A clinical approach. Blueprint.ai Blog. https://www.blueprint.ai/blog/self-forgiveness-in-therapy-a-clinical-approach

Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8

Follow Your Own Rhythm. (2018, December 17). How to forgive yourself - A step-by-step guide to self-forgiveness. Follow Your Own Rhythm Blog. https://www.followyourownrhythm.com/blog-1/2018/12/17/how-to-forgive-yourself-a-step-by-step-guide-to-self-forgiveness

Maté, G. (2010). In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction. North Atlantic Books.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.