Why Adult Children Go No Contact
The Research Behind Family Estrangement
The first time I learned my truth didn't matter, I was four years old.
That's how my estrangement story begins—not with a one-time dramatic falling out in adulthood, but with a slow accumulation of moments where my reality was dismissed, my pain was inconvenient, and the adults who should have protected me chose themselves instead.
If you've found your way to this article, you probably know exactly what I mean. Maybe you're questioning whether you're "allowed" to distance yourself from family. Maybe you're already estranged and wondering if you're the only one. You're not. Research suggests that 27% of Americans are estranged from at least one family member (Fairbank, 2024)—yet we rarely talk about it.
Let's change that.
Why Do Adult Children Estrange From Parents?
According to a landmark collaborative study between Stand Alone and the University of Cambridge surveying over 800 estranged individuals, the top reasons adult children cut contact with parents include emotional abuse, mismatched expectations about family roles, and clashes in personality or values (Chapman, 2024).
Emotional abuse tops the list. This isn't always dramatic—it can look like constant criticism, manipulation, gaslighting, or decades of being told your feelings don't matter.
Mismatched expectations about family roles comes next. Parents who refuse to see their children as autonomous adults, or who expect unconditional loyalty regardless of their own behavior, create unsustainable dynamics.
Value dissimilarity is a more powerful predictor of estrangement than you might expect. A study from theJournal of Marriage and Family found that mothers maintained close relationships with children who struggled with addiction or incarceration, while becoming estranged from outwardly successful children who violated their core beliefs about honesty, religion, or lifestyle. The probability of estrangement jumped from just 3% for children with very similar values to 49% for those with very dissimilar values (Gilligan et al., 2015).
Neglect, boundary violations, and failure to protect round out the common causes. When I reported childhood sexual abuse to my mother, her response was to tell me to "just avoid the basement." The message was clear: my discomfort was secondary to everyone else's needs.
When Does Estrangement Happen?
Research using longitudinal data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth found that first estrangement typically occurs during emerging adulthood—around age 23 for fathers and age 26 for mothers (Reczek et al., 2023). This timing isn't coincidental.
Young adulthood brings major life transitions: marriage, parenthood, career establishment. These milestones often crystallize what researchers call an "empathic rupture"—a moment when you finally realize your parent will never change (Fairbank, 2024). It could be giving birth and expecting help, only for your parent to leave for vacation. It could be watching your mother put up with abhorrent treatment from her husband, only to stay with him time and again.
How to Set Boundaries (Before Going No Contact)
Estrangement is rarely the first choice. Most people try for years—sometimes decades—to maintain relationships with difficult family members (Scharp, 2023). If you're not ready for no contact, here's how to start protecting yourself:
Name the behavior, not the person. Instead of "You're toxic," try "When you criticize my parenting in front of my children, I feel undermined. I need that to stop."
State consequences and follow through. "If you bring up my weight again, I'll end the call." Then actually hang up.
Limit information sharing. Not everything needs to be discussed. “Gray rock” responses ("Fine," "We'll see," "I'll think about it") can reduce conflict.
Accept that boundaries may escalate conflict initially. Dysfunctional family systems often punish the person who tries to change the dynamic. You're not creating problems by having limits—you're revealing problems that already existed (Sherwood, 2015).
Low Contact, Very Low Contact, or No Contact?
There's no single right answer. Here's a general framework:
Low contact works when the relationship is frustrating but not actively harmful. You might see family at holidays, keep calls brief, and maintain emotional distance. This was where I remained for a long time with my family—cordial, telephone-only, surface-level.
Very low contact suits situations where you need significant space but aren't ready for complete severance. Perhaps you respond to major life events only, or communicate solely through cards or brief texts.
No contact becomes necessary when continued interaction causes ongoing harm, when boundaries are repeatedly violated, or when you need to protect yourself or your children from abuse. As Sherwood (2015) explains, no contact isn't a punishment—it's "an essential psychological survival strategy."
The good news? The Stand Alone survey found that 80% of people who go no contact report positive outcomes, including greater feelings of freedom and independence (Chapman, 2024). And estrangement isn't necessarily permanent—Reczek et al. (2023) found that 81% eventually reconciled with mothers and 69% with fathers. The door can remain open for future change, even if that change never comes.
The Silence Is Yours to Keep
68% of estranged people feel their situation carries stigma (Chapman, 2024). Society tells us to "forgive and forget," that "blood is thicker than water," that good children don't abandon their parents. But these platitudes ignore a fundamental truth: some relationships cannot survive certain kinds of mistreatment.
When my mother sent me a card reading "I'm So Proud of All You've Accomplished—But don't forget you couldn't have gotten there without ME," along with a note asking me to stop reminding her how she didn't protect me because she needed a break, I finally understood. The mother I needed had never existed. The mother I had would never protect me. She'd proven it for forty years.
“ I finally understood. The mother I needed had never existed. The mother I had would never protect me. ”
Going no contact wasn't about anger, though there was plenty of that. It was about finally accepting that distance isn't punishment—it's preservation. The silence is mine to keep now. And there's so much peace in that.
I don't have to hear constant criticism anymore. Looking back, I can't believe I endured that level of abuse for so much of my adulthood. But I will not be angry at myself. I didn't know I deserved better.
When we know better, we do better. We demand better.
And we all deserve better.
References
Chapman, F. S. (2024, February 19). What research tells us about family estrangement. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202402/statistics-that-tell-the-story-of-family-estrangement
Fairbank, R. (2024, April 1). Estrangement is never easy or straightforward. Psychologists can help. Monitor on Psychology, 55(3), 65. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/04/healing-pain-estrangement
Gilligan, M., Suitor, J. J., & Pillemer, K. (2015). Estrangement between mothers and adult children: The role of norms and values. Journal of Marriage and Family, 77(4), 908–920. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12207
Reczek, R., Stacey, L., & Thomeer, M. B. (2023). Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 85(2), 494–517. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12898
Scharp, K. (2023, June 21). Estrangement and impact on family communication. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Communication. https://doi.org/10.1093/acrefore/9780190228613.013.1454
Sherwood, G. (2015, January 6). Going no contact: The scapegoat's last resort. Glynis Sherwood Counselling. https://glynissherwood.com/going-no-contact-the-scapegoats-last-resort/
